


Whatever Road's At Your Feet

by CentralFirstLibrary, MistLaFey



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Another Dirk Splinter But He Doesn't Realize He Is A Splinter, Baby Clone Dirk AU, Blood and Violence, Dave Tries To Be A Good Dad, Dirk Is Dead, Dissociation, Ectobiology, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Memories That Seem To Be Nightmares, Multi, Nightmares, Nonbinary Character, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Game(s), Suicide, Trans Character, Trans Characters, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, aw shit here we go again, dave needs therapy, key word: tries, nonbinary characters - Freeform, this is some heavy shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:34:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26172784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CentralFirstLibrary/pseuds/CentralFirstLibrary, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistLaFey/pseuds/MistLaFey
Summary: You ever feel like pissing on your dead uncle's grave cause you'll never be him, despite being a clone of him, like your father wanted?Please be mindful of the TWs. Chapters/sections have TWs in the beginning for your safety where I believe they belong. If you feel that certain section need to be tagged as certain things or if I should add more tags to the tagging system, please tell me in the comments so I can add them.
Relationships: Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave's POV

**TW: N/A**

You have never been fond of crying, you've gotten better at allowing yourself to cry but you still don't like it any more than you have in the past. You can't stop the tears, as much as you would like to, and your sister keeps assuring you that that is okay. Something about processing grief in your own way. You're not exactly listening to her right now. You're just staring down at the sleeping baby in your arms. Oh yeah, that's a thing. Right now you feel like the baby. This is really happening, you can't believe you convinced Rose to be at your side while doing this. You're only seventeen, you're young, still processing your own past. Now that you think about it you probably shouldn't be doing this. Raising a child. Raising the clone of your brother. But as Rose said, everyone processes grief in their own way. You're not so sure this is a healthy way of going about it. You'll try your best to work on that. You have to now. You're going to be a dad. Okay you aren't so sure about the dad part, maybe just a lifetime caretaker. A guardian.

You wipe your eyes and push your shades up into your hair. Taking a deep breath you look to the side to frown at Rose as she rubs your back in slow and steady circles. 

**ROSE: Are you sure this is what you want to do?**

**DAVE: yeah.. yeah i am**

**ROSE: Well..Happy birthday, Dave.**

**ROSE: And..Happy birthday, Dirk.**

She leans down and kisses his forehead before standing up and leaving you in the lab alone. You have a lot of work ahead of you now don't you, Dave?

**xxxx**

**TW: N/A**

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and you have been a guardian for four months. You have smelled a lot of gnarly shit in your whole life. The preservation chemicals you used for your jars, the rotten raccoon corpse on the roof you had to scrape off with a spatula and toss off to the street, your photography developers. Plenty of gross scents. So can someone explain how you can't even change a diaper without gagging. You're feeding him the right things, shouldn't it like. Not smell this rank? It's baby shit, what the hell did you expect.

**xxxx**

**TW: Mourning. Dissociation. Depression. Unhealthy Coping Mechanism.**

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and you have been a guardian for eight months and you need this day for yourself. You're carrying him to June's place because she agreed to watch him for the day so you could have some time alone. It's the one year anniversary of Dirk's death. You are in no place to watch or take care of anything, much less a baby. You probably won't even take care of yourself today. 

You keep your head down as you walk down the sidewalk, carrying the baby in his sling on your chest. You would like to avoid anyone stopping to talk to you if you get recognized. Not today, please. That's all you can ask of this world. The last thing you want to see is your face in the news, looking a mess and getting pity from those around you. 

So you keep your head down, letting your feet guide you. You've walked this way so many times it's muscle memory at this point. You're able to watch the baby gnaw on and struggle to hold the shades you've given him. You end up catching them exactly nineteen times by the time you arrive. They're ones similar to your own. You'd get him those kamina shades but you only have one pair and well..he's not old enough for them yet. There is still room to grow into them. 

And that's to say that you'll be ready to part with them by the time your kid is big enough to wear them. You'll try to cross that bridge when you get there.

When you look up, you are standing in front of the door. You raise your fist to knock but before your knuckles meet wood, the door swings open and you are greeted with a wide smile and bright blue eyes. It's hard to not smile when you see that face. 

**JUNE: you made it, i was starting to worry.**

**JUNE: you walked?**

**DAVE: what can i say**

**DAVE: its nice out**

You listen to her sigh softly as she steps out of the way to let you in. You don’t bother taking your shoes off like you normally would when inside. You simply take your backpack off and set it down, giving the rundown on what’s inside. Diapers, formula, wipes, ect. Everything you typically use on a daily basis for him as well as a few other things you figured she might want. Baby books and shit.

**DAVE: oh shit here**

You take the baby out of the sling and pass him off to her so you can take the sling off and hand that to her as well, she’ll need it probably. Better safe than sorry. It’s not like you’ll be using it after this. You sigh as June coos down at the baby. The baby. You keep calling him that. When will you get past it and call him by his name? You agreed to the name for a reason. Why won’t you just say his fucking name Dave? 

Before you can continue to beat yourself up mentally you leave the house and head home. Home, where you spend the rest of the day in Dirk’s room. You haven’t moved anything around. It’s the same way as he left it when he. Well..You know. You end up sitting on the floor in front of his bed, just holding your knees and scrolling through old chat logs. Crying silently as you wish for today to be over.

**====**

You wake up around three in the morning, on your side, facing the bed so that you’re looking under it. Immediately you make eye contact with that satanic fucking puppet, it makes you scream at the top of your lungs. You scurry away and press yourself against the wall, breathing heavily, which hurts so damn much. You didn’t mean to fall asleep, much less with your binder on. God you can’t wait to chop these damn fat sacks off your chest. You sigh and peel your hoodie off so you can take the damn titty cage off and breathe properly. You check your phone as you put your hoodie back on, you have a few missed calls and an equal amount of voicemails. You have a few texts, mostly from June and a lot of them are photos of the baby. 

Sighing, you put your phone down and allow it to play the voice mails. You kneel beside the bed and look under again, wondering if maybe you were just imagining things. But you make eye contact with the antichrist of a puppet and frown at the sound of your sister’s voice.

**ROSE: Dave, I’m just checking on you to how you are doing. I’ll be dropping by with some food that I do expect you to eat. Please call me back or at least respond to my texts.**

**ROSE: ...**

**ROSE: I love you, Dave. I’ll see you later.**

**End of message. Care to delete?**

You sigh and pull the puppet out from under the bed, setting it down on the bed.

**DAVE: delete message**

**Message erased. Play next message?**

**DAVE: sure..**

Sitting on the edge of the bed you look down at Cal, glaring at him. It was destroyed. It meant Dirk remade him for some unknown reason. A reason you’d never understand even if he was around to tell you. But he isn’t..Not yet at least. 

**ROSE: I’m leaving this message because I know you’ll come back to it. Before you go searching for the food, yes there is still some in the fridge, but you don’t need to eat any the second you wake up. When I came over with Kanaya, we managed to get you to eat some.**

You snap your head over to look at your phone, dropping Cal on the bed as you walk over. You don’t-

**ROSE: You probably do not remember letting us in, but you did. I wouldn’t say you were asleep, sleepwalking of some sort, but you most certainly were not...present for the moment. I’m worried, Dave. Call me when you get this, I love you.**

**ROSE: We should really talk about these dissociat-**

**DAVE: delete message**

**Message Erased. Play next message?**

**DAVE: yeah play**

You go through all of them, deleting all the ones in your inbox except for the last one. You can’t bring yourself to delete it. You never will. You look through your texts as well, making sure to save the photos June sent you. They’re cute. 

Taking a deep breath, you walk out of the room with your phone tucked in your pocket and your binder in hand heading to your own room to get some fresh clothes. You need a shower. Some coffee too. One step at time. Besides, the day is over. You can put your mask back on and get through this for a few more months. Once December hits you’ll be like this all over again. You’ll cross that bridge when you get there. You start pulling clothes out of your dresser, draping them over the crib you collect your shit and your phone starts to vibrate. You don’t bother checking who it is before you answer the call.

**KARKAT: HE’S NOT GONNA PICK UP THIS IS STUPID..**

**DAVE: karkat?**

**KARKAT: HOLY SHIT!**

**KARKAT: YOU ANSWERED..**

**DAVE: should i not have**

**KARKAT: NO-**

**KARKAT: SORRY..HOW ARE YOU?**

What a stupid question. How are you, Dave? How have you been while you ignored the people you love and trusted? How are you, Dave? How’s the guilt from pushing Karkat away after everything the two of you have been through together? How’s that guilt from not telling anyone about the baby for the first two months and forcing Rose to keep it under wraps until you were settled? Let’s talk about how June only found out because she came over to come out to you, way to make her special day all about you. Ooh or about how now she is the only one you talk to these days despite your phone blowing up with calls and text from those who care about you? How are you, Dave? How’s the guilt you feel about Dirk ki-

**KARKAT: *DAVE*..**

**KARKAT: YOU’RE CRYING.**

**KARKAT: ...**

**KARKAT: AREN’T YOU?**

You touch your face and- He’s right. You are crying. Taking a deep breath, you wipe your face and sigh grabbing your clothes and towel as you start for the bathroom. You set your things on the sink and start running the water in the tub. You and Dirk changed a lot of things about the apartment when you built it. Things to make it perfect. For Dirk, perfect was having a way to be in the shower all day if he wanted. A showertub. You learned to like it too. Sometimes sitting in a tub of warm water after a cold shower was just the kind of burn you needed. 

**DAVE: not that i dont want to talk to you or anything kat**

**DAVE: but**

**DAVE: did you call me for some actual reason**

**KARKAT: OH UH- YEAH ACTUALLY.**

**KARKAT: I SPOKE TO KANAYA TODAY, WELL YESTERDAY, AND SHE VOICED SOME CONCERNS ABOUT YOU AND WELL..**

**KARKAT: I MISS YOU, DUDE.**

**DAVE: ...**

**KARKAT: DAV-**

You don’t even let him finish his sentence before you’re hanging up and taking your clothes off. Wow. And you thought you could trust Karkat. This is the first time in months you’ve spoken to him and he only called because Team Rosemary said something to him. Then again, you didn’t know it was him calling. You probably wouldn’t have picked up if you had. You’re so dumb somtimes. Your phone is vibrating again within seconds. Rolling your eyes you pick it up. You know who it is.

**KARKAT: DON’T HANG UP ON ME YOU RUDE JACKASS! I BET YOUR STUPID PAN TOLD YOU I WAS ONLY CALLING YOU OUT OF PITY! WRONG.**

**KARKAT: I CALLED YOU BECAUSE I MISS YOU. GET OVER IT.**

**KARKAT: HANG UP ON ME AGAIN FOR BEING HONEST I DARE YOU!**

**KARKAT: ...**

**KARKAT: I GET YOU’RE A HUMAN LUSUS AND ALL BUT YOU CAN AT LEAST TEXT ME, DAVE..I ALWAYS HAVE MY PHONE ON ME.**

**DAVE: im gonna shower now**

**DAVE: ill talk to you later**

**KARKAT: YEAH?**

Pinching the bridge of your nose you sigh as you sit on the edge of the tub. God you’re wasting so much water right now, and you’re not even heating it up. Taking a deep breath you stand up and turn to face the tub, running your hand under the water. 

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: bye karkat**

**KARKAT: GOODNIGHT, STRIDER.**

Putting your phone on the edge of the sink you hang up on him and change the flow of the tub to run through the shower head. You step in and let the cold water run over your until long after you’ve begun to shake. At least you’re getting clean. Right?

You don’t know how long you were in the shower for, but you’re out now and in the process of making yourself some coffee. You even heat up the food Rose left you. They completely stocked up the fridge. What a waste. There is no way you can eat all that, even with your eating habits. 

For a god of time, you sure are good at losing track of said time. When you look up from your plate your coffee is ice cold. It’s six in the morning alright? You have to pick up the baby. All you do is blink and June is standing in front of you, stepping out of the way to let you inside. This is what Rose is talking about. You seriously need help, Dave.

**JUNE: he’s asleep right now so you can relax for a bit if you want.**

**JUNE: did you eat yet? we made pancakes!**

**DAVE: we..?**

You take your shoes off and step inside, right away your eyes meet a pair of dark green. Oh. We. Frowning you look at Jake and how he’s cradling the baby in his arms. He’s the only one you didn’t tell. He avoids your eyes by looking down at the child. He looks like he’s been crying just as much as you have. If you stare at him a little stronger you’ll realize that he’s still crying. Thank fuck for your shades. You do not want to look like that. 

And just like that, as if he could tell that you had arrived, the baby wakes up and starts wailing. Jake stands up as you quickly move to take him. He passes the baby off to you and you kneel so you can sit on the floor and rock back and forth, holding him tightly and close. The way he likes it. 

**JAKE: So..**

**JAKE: This is the reason you didnt come to the secret santa party?**

**DAVE: yeah**

**JAKE: What did you name the lad, dave?**

**DAVE: what do you think?**

**xxxx**

**TW: N/A**

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and you have been a guardian for a little over eleven months now. In two days, four hours and fifty six minutes it will have been a whole year.

A whole year, just like that. Time really does fly by when you’re super distracted trying to make sure you’re a good guardian.

Today just so happens to be the last day of November, and you are in the process of pacing around the room in circles trying to come up with a way to get by with just saying happy birthday to the Harlenglish duo without having to actually attend the party. It’s not that you don’t want to be there for them. Oh who are you kidding, this week is going to seriously kick your ass. Of course you don’t want to go. Why did everyone’s birthday have to fall in the first week of December? 

You have enough on your plate with the baby teething. Poor kid isn’t going to the normal route and getting the front teeth in first, two back molars. He’s constantly crying and you don’t blame him. At least the cold wet towel trick Rose taught you seems to be working. You keep a few in the freezer at all times to be safe. Teething rings are also nice. You continue to pace around and as you turn around the corner to lap the room again. You see the baby sitting in the doorway. 

What the hell? 

**DAVE: lil guy**

**DAVE: did you climb out of the crib again**

All you get in response is a giggle and a spit bubble. Cute. You take a step forward to pick him up but you freeze as he grabs onto the wall, using it as support before——

Standing up and taking his own step towards you. You’re speechless and he starts waddling his way over to you step by step. You can’t help but drop to your knees, reaching both arms out to catch him when his knees give out. You laugh and that gets him giggling. 

You have been a guardian for nearly a whole year and your kid is walking without much support. Good luck skipping out on the party. You have to show off the lil dude’s mad strutting skills. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave's POV

**TW: Mention of nightmares. Lil Cal.**

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and well, you know what your name is so that will be the last time we go with that shtick. Okay? 

**DERR: Dave..**

You sit up at your desk quickly and turn around. You are greeted by a crying Derr who is dragging Cal behind him. Yeah that’s what you call him now, Karkat told you you can’t keep calling him the baby or kiddo for the rest of his life and well you can’t call him by his name. It doesn’t feel right. So you switch around with names. Derrick, D, Derr. Anything but Dirk. 

Putting your tablet down you stand up and move to go see what’s up. That face always shakes you to your core, scared he could be hurt or worse. But you have to be strong for him. He’s still just a little kid. You scoop the five year old up into your arms and wipe his tears with a gentle smile.

**DAVE: oh hey lil dude**

**DAVE: how long were you standing there for**

**DERR: A few minutes..**

**DERR: I kept calling for you.**

**DAVE: shit m’sorry i didnt hear you**

You chuckle and he presses his face into your shoulder, wrapping his arms around you as tightly as his little arms can be. Like he’s trying to hide his tears from you. You frown and pull back a bit, carding your fingers through his hair as you carry him out to the living room and sit on the futon. 

**DAVE: hey now no need to hide your face**

**DAVE: dont you know how cool it is to show your emotions**

**DAVE: all the cool guys arent scared to show that theyre sad**

**DERR: You don’t show your emotions..**

**DERR: I guess you’re not cool then, bro.**

That makes you chuckle. What a wise ass. You shake your head and take your shades off as well as his, setting them on the coffee table in front of you. You grab the remote to the TV and sit back, propping your legs up on the table as you turn the large flatscreen on. 

**DAVE: im just the exception to that rule**

**DAVE: im super cool**

**DAVE: now..you wanna tell me whats got my favorite kid on earth c crying**

He wipes at his eyes and shifts to lay down curled up against your chest. He presses his ear against right where your heart is and listens to the tik tok beat of it pumping. That’s always been his spot. It reminds you of how cats will knead at blankets and suckle at the fabric to calm themselves down to sleep because it’s what they would do with their mothers as babies. 

**DERR: A bad dream..**

**DAVE: wanna talk about it?**

**DERR: ...**

You don’t push it. You know he’ll talk about it when he’s ready. That’s the one thing you know you’re doing right with him. He trusts you, he actually comes to you first with the things that are on his mind. That means so much to you. More than you could even imagine describing. You don’t want him to become emotionally constipated like you. You’re getting a second chance with him. This kid won’t-

**DAVE: hey**

**DAVE: wanna watch some my little pony**

**DERR: ...**

**DERR: Runaway Rainbow.**

You like the way he says that. There is no question mark. No suggestion. He’s telling you that Runaway Rainbow is the only option for tonight. You can't say no to something so positive. So you kiss the top of his head and go through the drive of movies, searching for the one he wants. You feel his hair brush against your chin as he moves to stay laying against you in a way he can still see the tv. 

**DERR: Dave..**

**DAVE: whats up kiddo?**

**DERR: Do you have a sister other than Auntie Rose?**

Tilting your head to look at him, you frown as the tears stream down his cheeks openly. Is this about his dream?

**DAVE: no i dont**

**DERR: Oh.**

**DERR: Okay..Thank you.**

This is where you both stay for the rest of the night, asleep holding onto each other close. You make a mental note to make pancakes in the morning for breakfast and to pick up orange juice for the kid as well before you finally konk out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jr's POV

TW: Graphic Violence. Minor Transphobia. Dave's Bro. Nightmares. Blood. Swordfighting. Child Abuse. Lil Cal

Again?

Not again.

Again.

It’s like falling.

It’s like falling in reverse.

You haven’t moved.

It’s you.

But it’s not you.

It can’t be.

It is.

Your hands are in gloves you don’t own and your wrists lead up to muscles you don’t have.

Heat above.

Heat below.

Hot like fire.

Hot like Hell.

Everything feels heavy.

Heavy feet attached to heavy legs.

Heavy legs moving you across gravel.

It’s not you. (It’s you.)

Gravel crushing and rolling beneath your (not your) feet.

Another body there.

Height and sun and heat.

A roof.

Why do you know that?

Not you.

You.

Heat-

Fire-

Who-

You know that face.

Don’t you?

Do you?

You?

Not you.

Long blonde hair and ragged breathing and who is-

No.

Your feet rush forward and the clash of metal surprises you almost as much as how easy it is to slip your blade just far enough to cut the person across the shoulder.

Not you.

But it is you.

At least for now.

At least in this moment.

This moment of heat and gravel and blades and blood.

You feel pleasure coiling in your gut at the sight of their blood.

Their blood that you put there and why-

They draw in a sharp breath and sob quietly.

Like they’re trying not to.

You like that.

You don’t like that.

???: If you wanna be a man-

A voice deep as it is dark comes from your throat, you feel it rolling across your tongue like the gravel under your feet and oh fuck you’re moving again.

Fuck?

Since when do you use that word? You don’t-

Clashing,

Ringing,

Metal on metal.

Metal on flesh.

Metal on gravel.

???: You gotta take it like one.

That voice again.

Muscles twitch and you feel gravity pull your arm.

Their head whips to the side.

Glasses skitter across the gravel.

Long blonde hair soaks up blood from a split lip.

Split lip spits blood onto the gravel.

The gravel voice speaks.

???: Pick up your sword.

Red eyes glare.

Red eyes you know.

Red eyes you never really knew at all.

???: If you’re angry, prove it. Pick up your fucking sword.

They pick up their fucking sword.

Their arms are like yours and yours are like branches, like trees.

There’s no trees.

Heat and gravel and blood and metal.

They rush forward.

Pathetic, you think.

But it’s not really you.

You’d never-

You couldn’t-

You’re tempted to just reach out and grab the kid by their hair, hold them out at arms length. They’re too fucking weak to stop you anyway, and maybe the embarrassment of knowing their weakness might make them step up.

They rush you.

You aren’t where they thought you were.

Sweep the legs.

Cuff the skull.

Break the wri-

Stop.

Breaking bones gets questions, so don’t do that.

Knock the sword away.

Flip the kid.

???: Pick up your sword.

Gravel voice and metal and heat-

The kid screams when they charge this time.

The kid screams.

Screams.

Screams.

Screams.

Who’s screaming?

You are.

You are?

You.

====

You sit up quickly in your bed, you scream and grip the sheets in front of you. You’re shaking. You look around and take deep breaths. You’re home. You’re not on the roof like you were on in your dream. Well not you- whoever that guy was. Whoever those people were. 

Your name is DIRK STRIDER, but for some reason your father doesn’t call you that. You are only five years old so you don’t understand why he frowns when someone calls you by your given name. Instead he calls you all sorts of nicknames. You’ll respond to any of them happily. You love your dad so you don’t mind. 

Pulling the blankets up and sighing in relief at the fact that your bed is dry, you lean back against the pillows for a moment. You don’t want to jinx it so you get up as quietly as you can after putting your shades on, holding Cal in your arms for safety, and head to the bathroom. You wonder if your father is awake..He’s probably drawing his comics. 

You walk across the hall again, this time to your dad’s room, and peek your head into the dark room. He is sitting at his desk. Wiping at your eyes you clear your throat and cling to Cal. 

DERR: Dad..Can I sleep with you?

DERR: ... 

DERR: Dad..?

He’s not listening to you. Maybe he’s just listening to music and can’t hear you. That happens all the time. You try again.

DERR: Dad-

DERR: Dave..

You watch as he jumps, the sound of his knees hitting the underside of his desk. You must have scared him. Well, at least now you can be scared together, right? The tears begin to fall from your eyes again as he turns around. You meet those red eyes again and as you look at them it’s like you’ve forgotten about your dream. The fear still lingers. He stands up quickly as he puts his shades on and before you know it he’s taking you into his arms. 

He runs his thumb against your cheeks and smiles at you, trying to make the tears stop. But you’re shaking and you are so scared. Not even Cal is making the fear go away. He’s always been good at that!

DAVE: oh hey lil dude

DAVE: how long were you standing there for

DERR: A few minutes..

DERR: I kept calling for you.

DAVE: shit m’sorry i didnt hear you

You’re careful to not drop Cal as you wrap your arms around him and bury your face into your dad’s neck. You don’t want to cry in front of him. He worries so much about you but he makes you feel so safe. You can’t stop the tears. Why did you have to have such a bad dream? You didn’t even know it was possible to have bad dreams. Dreams are supposed to be nice and happy! This isn’t fair. You cling to him and you feel him stand up, walking out of the room as he runs his fingers through your hair. That always makes you calm down. 

As he sits down on the futon he kisses your head and pulls back, making you make eye contact with him. He flashes a tired smile and chuckles. 

DAVE: hey now no need to hide your face

DAVE: dont you know how cool it is to show your emotions

DAVE: all the cool guys arent scared to show that theyre sad

He’s one to talk. You might only be a little kid but you’re very perceptive. The only times you catch even a lick of emotion on your dad’s face is when you walk in on him and startled him or during August. He is always so sad around August..

DERR: You don’t show your emotions..

DERR: I guess you’re not cool then, bro.

Shutting your eyes as he takes both your shades and his own off, you rest your head on his chest and listen to his heart. 

DAVE: im just the exception to that rule

DAVE: im super cool

DAVE: now..you wanna tell me whats got my favorite kid on earth c crying

He kicks his feet up and turns the TV on. You wipe at your eyes and begin to breathe along with the rise and fall of his chest. It’s calming you down and slowing your tears down until they stop. For now at least. 

DERR: A bad dream..

DAVE: wanna talk about it?

DERR: ...

DAVE: hey

DAVE: wanna watch some my little pony

DERR: ...

You stop and think about it for a moment. Your dad has got a whole collection for you to watch. You have so many you can choose from and despite that it only takes you four seconds to know exactly which one you need right now.

DERR: Runaway Rainbow.

You sit up a bit as he begins to browse through the movies, a soft smile forming on your face as you see the title screen for Runaway Rainbow come into view. You and him have always watched My Little Pony together. He was really surprised when you claimed that Minty is your favorite and not Rainbow Dash. Even if Minty only rarely appears in the older series, you like her the best. That being said you like this generation’s Rainbow Dash better than the Friendship is Magic one. For a five year old you sure do have a lot of opinions. 

You don’t know why but, as you are watching the movie the dream comes back into your thoughts and the tears form back in your eyes. You take a deep breath and rest back against your father’s chest. Hoping his heartbeat will make it all go away again. It doesn’t. 

You can’t get those red eyes out of your brain. How scared yet determined they were. They looked so much like your dad. You’ve never seen that person before. Your dad wouldn’t hide things about family from you. 

...

Right?

Curling up against his chest you look up at him, laying comfortably enough to still see the TV. You love this movie- You love the Gameboy game even more but still. You don’t want to miss a thing. You clear your throat and tug on his shirt.

DERR: Dave..

DAVE: whats up kiddo?

DERR: Do you have a sister other than Auntie Rose?

Your dad shifts and looks down at you a frown curling on his lips. You didn’t mean to make him upset. That only makes the tears fall more. You hate making him frown. You wish your dad would smile more.

DAVE: no i dont

DERR: Oh.

He doesn’t? Then who was that person? Maybe that’s all it was, a bad dream. You sigh and lay back against him, curling up tightly.

DERR: Okay..Thank you.

You trust your dad. He’s your dad for crying out loud. The two of you stay on the futon watching movies until you’re knocked out. In the morning you’ll forget all about the nightmare thanks to some pancakes and juice.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jr's POV

TW: N/A

It's that time of year again, the two days a year that are a guarantee that your Aunt June will be babysitting you. Every year on this day you end up sleeping over and having fun while she watches you. You're old enough now to understand why. You're happy they have this set up. You can't stand seeing your dad so sad, you can tell when it's getting close even without looking at the calendar by the way he changes. This is a good thing, is what you tell yourself. You get to have a fun weekend with your aunt and your dad can have some time alone. He deserves it, he works so hard.

Your hanging your bag up on the wall hook as you toe your way our of your sneakers once inside the house. You look out the front door and watch as your aunt and father talk about something. You don't need to hear it to know June is telling him she is here for him. That if he needs to have a fun day to distract him he can always tag along. He always says no. You push your shoes up against the wall and make your way to the kitchen, smiling at the mangoes on the table. You love mangoes, ever since the one summer a man running a cart gave you one for free to try. They're your favorite fruit. You'll eat so many of them you end up giving yourself a stomachache. It's worth it though.

June must have gotten them for you. She is still holding her throne as your favorite aunt- but Kanaya is sneaking her way up. They'll probably be tied.

You have a list in your head of your favorite aunts and uncles. 

1: June

2: Jake

3: Kanaya

4: Karkat

5: Roxy

Taking a mango of the table you smile and jog over to the front door to hold it out to June as she shuts the door, doing an excited little wiggle. 

JUNE: oh- i was going to surprise you with them! 

JUNE: i swear you're like a hunting dog when it comes to snacks.

Shaking her head she smiles down at you and ruffles your hair, taking the mango right out of your hand. Together you walk into the kitchen and she takes a knife out of the drawer to start cutting up. Your stick by close, staring way too intensely. The pressure is on, not even a gram of mango shall be wasted on your watch. 

June takes a moment but you have a bowl of cut up mango and a glass of juice to dig into. She joins you at the kitchen table and chuckles when you hit her hand away when she tries to steal a piece. You aren't food aggressive in the slightest, but no one messes with your mangoes. Laughing she rises to her feet and moves to wash the dishes. You look over as she scrapes something into the garbage and instantly you panic. You get up and move over, looking in the bin. 

DERR: Why did you throw that out? I would have eaten it!

Looking over at you she smirks and shakes her head as you frown at the mango in the bin. What's so funny? There is nothing funny about wasting good food, June.

JUNE: it's the seed, dirk. you can't eat it.

Reaching into the bin, you take the seeds out. You hold them and stare, they feel weird when you rub them with your thumbs. They're...fuzzy? Huh.. You tilt your head to the side and take them over to the table. You stare at them as you eat. How is that a seed? And why can't you eat it? You've eaten plenty of seeds before. Jake always gives you a bag of pumpkin seeds after he's picked them. Sunflower seeds are good too. Now that you think about it, you have special snacks from everyone in your family. 

You get mangoes and oranges with June, dried seeds and pie with Jake, sometimes when Karkat comes over to hang out with your dad he'll bring dried candied fruit slices. Everyone has their own thing they get you. You love your family, you feel spoiled by them.

JUNE: you're thinking so hard, i can practically hear the gears going in your head. 

JUNE: maybe if you ask jake, he'll put the seeds in some soil in the green house and you might just get some fruit out of it. 

You look up at her and your face lights up. Your very own mango tree? That sounds like a dream come true. You nod your head and push the seeds over to her with a bright smile. She laughs at how excited you are and leans in to kiss your forehead. 

JUNE: you're such a dork- maybe you hang out with me too much. 

You snort and shake your head, digging in to finish what's left. 

JUNE: do you know what you want to do today, kiddo? i was thinking we could go to the beach?

The beach. You love the beach. You only ever get to go with June though because for some reason your father _despises_ the beach. Something about him being anti-ocean? You'll never understand that. You love the ocean, you love the creatures you find in the sand, you love taking shells and leaving them at June's to make a collection. You remember when you went with her in the beginning of the summer you found a live starfish! You screamed so loudly she thought you got hurt, but you were just excited. The closest you'll get to going to the beach with your dad is asking him to take you to the aquarium. He always asks if you'd rather go to a farm, to see the cows, the horses, and maybe even rabbits. You don't care for those animals, sure they're cute but, you'd rather spend all day talking to the jellyfish and the seals. 

Looking up at her you frown softly, worried your dad will get upset at the two of you for going to the beach. 

DERR: We can't tell dad.

JUNE: i wouldn't even dream of it. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave's POV

TW: Nightmares. Mentions of suicide. Implied Candy. Dirk's Death.

Today was one of your better days. Key word: Was. You had cleaned your room, folded the lil dude's laundry and put it away for him while you clean his room with him. You even managed to vacuum and clean the entire apartment. Even his room, god that was a nap waiting to happen. So it was reasonable that you could be found relaxing on the roof just watching the stars once you got Derr to finally go to sleep. It only took two movies and some hot cocoa with marshmallows. He loves that shit. He's a good kid. Even if he's an oddball for wanting hot chocolate in the middle of August. So what was so wrong? Well-

It's the fact that the roof door slammed open and you heard a strangled sob from behind you. You jumped to your feet and turned around, tensing as you watch tears bubble down Derr's cheeks. His face is red and he's grabbing at his throat. What happened? You push forward and jump to his side pulling him into your arms instinctively. He gasps and his eyes are wide as the tears won't stop and he begins to claw at your back. What scared him this much? It's like he's struggling to breathe. No wait. He _is_ struggling to breathe. Fuck.

DAVE: lil man-

DAVE: breathe holy shit

DAVE: what happened?

You can feel it in the way that he's grabbing at the back of your shirt so desperately. He's terrified. Is someone in the apartment? Did they try to hurt him? They'll regret it. No one hurts your family. Not while you can help it. 

DAVE: are you hurt

But he doesn't answer you. How could he? He can't breathe. You rub at his back and start checking him for injuries. There are no cuts, no bruises, no redness. He's not physically hurt. You cup his cheeks and look into his eyes. His eyes aren't focusing on you, they're looking right _through_ you. You recognize this. He's having a panic attack. Shit. You pull him as tight as you can, holding him to your chest so he can listen to your heart beating. That always helps him. Please help him. You can't continue to listen to the sound of him gasping for air anymore. It hurts too much. You just want him to be okay. What the fuck could have scared him so much?

DERR: Night-

You freeze up as he chokes out half a response. You don't need the full one to know what he's trying to say. God, he gets nightmares so often it scares you. You pull back and press a kiss to his hair, trying to comfort him the best that you can.

DAVE: nightmare?

DAVE: you had another nightmare?

He nods his head and grabs at the back of your shirt, pressing his ear to your chest again. Like he wants to hear the beat but he's so scared he can't stay still. You need to get him inside. You need him to lay down and calm down. You look down at him and see that he's grabbing his throat. Like he's trying to get someone off of him but is strangling himself in the process. You let go of him and it hurts you to do so but you have to pry his hands off his throat so he can breathe for crying out loud. You get his hands off of his throat and get him to stand up. On your knees you reach your hands out to him, so he can help you up next. 

But the two of you make eye contact and he's finally looking _at_ you. Right into your eyes.

The curdling scream that rips past his throat shoots right through you.

Without thinking you grab him into your arms and jump. 

You haven't had to flashstep in almost ten years, you hate doing it. But for this kid, you'll do anything. 

So you jump, and you know it's been exactly 2.788934002 seconds for you to put your shades on, push past the roof door, and get into the apartment. You jump again and it takes you another 3.273358 seconds to check the whole apartment for an intruder just to be safe and it's clear, the whole time you're carrying the kid in your arms leaving you sitting in the living room on the futon rocking him side to side to calm him down as he trembles in your arms. You've never seen him shake like this. Not even in the snow. 

He holds onto you tightly and the sounds of him gasping and choking on his sobs shakes you to your core. So you begin to shush him, continuing to rock him side to side like you did when he was a baby. You didn't expect to hear him speak so softly. So shaken up.

DERR: I don't want to die..

_What?_

DAVE: die?

You pull back a little, getting a good look at his face as you begin wiping his tears. Holy shit. What did he dream about? Why would he ever dream about dying. You'll never understand nightmares. Why does this poor kid have to have these? Hasn't Dirk-

Hasn't he been through enough?

DAVE: is that what happened in your nightmare?

He nods and places his hands on your squeezing them tightly. He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath, making your lips curl up into a smile. It nearly instantly drops because his tears are back and he's shaking again. 

DERR: I didn't want to do it-

DERR: I don't want to die.

So he tells you. About the rope, the strangling, the walking up the steps of the bell tower. How he saw his reflection and it scared him. How he rocked forward how he-

His shaking gets worse and you can't blame him for being terrified. Hell, _you're_ terrified about this. He's scared of dying. You can't lose him again. You can't handle that.

You see him grabbing for his throat but he doesn't squeeze it like he has been. It's like he's just trying to keep his head on his shoulders. He takes another deep breath and looks up at you, the tears still falling down his cheeks.

DERR: Dide Uncle Dirk...did he do that?

DERR: He didn't right? It hurt so much..

Oh.

Frowning, you slowly let go of him helping his side back on the futon as you continue to wipe his cheeks dry. You shake your head. You don't like to think about that.

DAVE: no

DAVE: he didnt do that kiddo

DERR: Then how..?

You really don't like to think about that. You don't talk to anyone about it, even if Rose insists it's okay to. You don't even talk to Karkat when he keeps you company on the anniversary.

But you take a deep breath.

And you tell him.

DAVE: i found him

DAVE: i found him in bed


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jr's POV

TW: Nooses. Suicide. Dirk Splinter. Implied Candy. Panic Attack. Nightmares. 

Step.

Step.

Step.

Step step.

Step step step.

Stepstepstepstep.

Sprint.

Fly.

Run.

Higher, must get higher.

The sway of the pendulum calls.

Back.

Forth.

Back.

The burn of rope as the weight sets in your shoulder.

Higher now.

Forth.

The quarter till rings out, chiming above you.

You?

Maybe.

Back.

Rope on your shoulder, rope on your back.

Friction of it against your neck.

Against your throat.

It’s not around your throat (yet)?

Yet.

Rope.

Burn.

Ropeburn.

Forth.

Move forth.

Move up.

Move forward.

The pendulum sways before your eyes now.

The Precipice, the summit, the peak.

The rope.

The rope goes over the beam.

Hands.

Hands that both are and aren’t yours tie the knot.

Why?

Rope and hands and burn and-

Sway.

Back.

Step.

Forth.

Sway back from the ledge.

Step forth into the rope.

No.

Hands tie knots.

Hands in knots.

Stomach in knots.

Rope in your stomach.

Step back from the rope.

Sway forth on the ledge.

No-

Pleas-

I don’t-

Step back into the rope.

Steel like the pendulum.

Steel your nerve and sway forth the ledge.

Rope and burn and sway and step-

No!

Rope and burn and steel and sway and step-

I won’t!

You will.

Not you.

You?

Rope on your neck,

Rope on your throat,

High, too high.

In the air and on the concrete.

Step Back!

No.

Sway forth.

No!

Sway forth.

No!

Sway forth.

Feel the rope and burn-

The rope and burn and sway and steel-

No!

The rope and burn and sway and steel and ledge and-

Back!

No, you.

Not you.

What’s done is done.

Feel the rope.

Rope and burn and sway and steel and ledge and-

SNAP!

Rope and burn and sway and steel and ledge and SNAP and fall.

What’s done is done.

====

With a shout you shoot up in your bed and grip the sheets beside you, instantly checking the dryness of the cloth. It’s become a habit of yours with every dream you have. At least every dream like this that you’ve had. You always forget about them afterwards but the feeling of feel and the sensations you feel always linger. You bring a hand up to your throat and squeeze lightly. 

You can’t breathe. 

Why can’t you breathe?

It was just a nightmare, why can’t you breathe? 

Getting up from your bed you try your best to take deep breaths as you walk out of your room, searching for your father. You’re terrified. Why did you do that? Why did you die? You don’t want to die. 

And yet, you still can’t breathe. You’re hyperventilating, Dirk. 

DERR: That’s not-

Whatever.

You pace around the apartment, looking for your father. You’re scared. Where did he go? Why can’t you find him? 

The roof. You wheeze as tears stream down your cheeks, running up the stairs. 

You push the door open and your dad is laying on the roof. You drop to your knees and he jumps up to greet you. You’re sobbing by the time he wraps his arms around you and your claw at his back, trying to cling to his shirt but you can’t seem to get a good hold. 

All you wanted was a nap. Why does your brain show you things like that. You are ten years old, you should never have to experience such a thing. No one of any age should. 

DAVE: lil man- 

DAVE: breathe holy shit

DAVE: what happened?

DAVE: are you hurt

You can’t answer him. You can’t breathe. 

He pulls away from you and starts to check you for injuries. He’ll find none and pull you back into his arms.

He holds you close and rubs your back, pushing your head against his chest to listen to his heart. He’s trying to help as best as he can but you just feel the rope tighten. The rope that isn’t there but is strangling you nonetheless. 

DERR: Night-

You feel him tense and he pulls back only to press a kiss to your hair.

DAVE: nightmare?

DAVE: you had another nightmare?

Nodding your head you listen to his heart. Trying your best to focus on the rise and drop of his chest. Hoping that will help you gain your breathing. It always does. But you’ve never had a nightmare this bad before. Who’s to say this will work this time around. 

Why can’t you fucking breathe?

Why do you use those words after these dreams? You don’t swear you fucking know better than that. 

Grabbing at your throat you try to breathe but your fingers keep squeezing, reliving that tension from earlier. Your dad has to pry your hands off your throat and moves to get you to stand up. You step back and frown, he holds his hand out and you reach to grab it to help him up. But you make eye contact with red eyes.

Red eyes.

Red eyes you know.

Red eyes you never really knew at all!

The image of that person on the roof you beat the crap out of flashes into your mind and phases with what you see in reality. You step a few feet away from your father and drop to your knees, curling in on yourself you wrap your arms around your legs and scream until your throat feels raw. 

You feel arms wrap around you and when you blink you are laying in your father’s arms on the futon. How did he bring you inside so quickly? When did he put his shades back on? He rubs at your back and shushes you, swaying you side to side to try and calm you down. You’re just so scared. You don’t want to hurt him. You would never forgive yourself for hurting him. You cling to him as tightly as you can and sob into chest. You really wish you would stop shaking.

DERR: I don’t want to die..

DAVE: die?

He pulls back a bit and tilts your head back to wipe your tears away.

DAVE: is that what happened in your nightmare?

You nod your head and put both of your hands atop of his keeping it against your cheek and holding on tightly, scared that if you let go your hands will wrap around your throat again.

You try to take a deep breath and you do so successfully, which makes your father smile only to frown because your tears are starting up again. Another deep breath and you begin explaining what happened in the nightmare, which only makes the shaking and crying worse. Fuck, even your dad looks scared. He looks like he’s going to lose another Dirk.

You find yourself grabbing at your throat as you look at his face. You think about it for a moment. He looks like he's going to lose another Dirk? You know your uncle is dead but how? Did he-

DERR: Did Uncle Dirk..did he do that? 

DERR: He didn't right? It hurt so much..

He frowns and slowly let's go of you, letting you sit back on the futon as he wipes your tears. 

DAVE: no 

DAVE: he didnt do that kiddo

DERR: Then how..?

DAVE: i found him

DAVE: i found him in bed

He frowns and reaches out, cupping your cheeks as he takes his shades off. He smiles at you, you know the differences in his smiles and you know that is a forced one. One to try and make you feel better but you won't feel better. You'll only to continue to think. 

If your uncle didn't die the way that happened in your dream, what the hell was that dream even about?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave's POV

**JUNE: next one is...dirk’s!**

You smile, despite having flinched at his name being called, at the sight of his face lighting up. He puts Cal down as well as his tablet and stands up to take the box. This was the first year he’s been a part of the Secret Santa group. His argument was that he was turning ten at the time and he is old enough to figure out what to get someone. You couldn’t say no to that, he pulled out a Powerpoint slideshow to argue his point. Seeing as you managed to pick his name, sheer luck you swear, you know that other people have gotten him gifts because he’s getting three from you and there are ten with his name on it. That being said you know the one she is giving him is from you because you wrapped his all in Sonic the Hedgehog wrapping paper. 

That’s his new obsession at the moment. 

He takes the small box and sits down in front of you as you sit on the sofa. He looks up at you, as if asking for permission to open and you nod before he shreds into the wrapping. Inside he is greeted by a pair of triangle shades and he looks back at you to hand you his shades. He instantly puts the new ones on and you sigh in relief that they fit enough yet have room for him to continue to wear them.

**DAVE: do you like em?**

**DERR: I do!**

**DERR: They’re just like in our animes da-**

Your brain tunes out the last syllable and you ruffle his hair, tucking his old shades into your bag for safe keeping. You look forward and you spot a frown on Jake’s face. 

**JAKE: Are those..**

**DAVE: yeah**

**JAKE: You had them this entire time, dave?**

**DAVE: yep**

**DAVE: junebug the ones that were under it are for him too**

**DAVE: same paper**

You watch Jake stand up and walk out of the room and then watch as June picks up one of the large boxes before setting it in front of Derr who is swaying side to side excitedly. 

**JUNE: jeez that weighs a ton!**

**JUNE: what did you put in that?**

**DAVE: and ruin the surprise?**

**DAVE: not happening**

As Derr shreds through the paper again it is suddenly olear as to why you wanted to host the gathering at the apartment. There was no way in hell you were lugging those things and the kid home in one trip. Shit would be too heavy. Dir-

Derr tilts his head to the side, confused, and looks up at you for some explanation.

**DAVE: its a monitor**

**DAVE: its custom and its yours**

**DAVE: figured you were tired of having to ask me to use the computer so..now you have one of your own**

That’s what the last box has, at least the last box from you, the actual computer. You’ll set them up in his room later when everyone is gone, but for now? It’s hot cocoa time. You stand up and kiss his head before heading to the kitchen to make cocoa. Standing in front of the stove you pull out two mugs and get to making him hot chocky milk. You feel a hand on your shoulder and are greeted by eyes that are now as red as your own, if not darker. 

**DAVE: hey there kat**

**KARKAT: HEY..**

You grab an extra mug to add your collection. You’ll make him a cup too. Dude is so bundled up he must be freezing. You chuckle when you feel him hugging you from behind. Probably trying to take your body heat from you. You don’t mind. Especially when the dude starts making those rumbling noises. He wonders why you call him kitten sometimes but it’s pretty obvious.

**DAVE: youre gonna take jades and ‘petas gifts to them right?**

**DAVE: im still bummed she didnt show**

**DAVE: what even happened**

**KARKAT: DUMBASS FELL ASLEEP WITHOUT DRYING HER HAIR PROPERLY AND GOT SICK.**

**KARKAT: SHE IS A PAIN TO BE AROUND LIKE THIS, SO DAVEPETA IS TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM AND TAKING CARE OF HER.**

He huffs and grips you tighter, clinging to you until you have to peel him off to hand him a mug of the best cocoa in the world.

**DAVE: theyre a trooper- here**

**DAVE: ive got a space heater in my room if you wanna lay down in there**

**KARKAT: FUCK YES.**

You get a smile as he walks past you, heading right to you room as you head back to the living room with the mugs in your hands. You sit back on your spot on the sofa and hand Derr the mug littered with far too many marshmallows. He is going to be impossible to get to sleep. He moves to sit on your lap and you both drink your cocoa together watching the others open their gifts as the sun begins to fall until you are playing in the snow with a hyperactive Strider child behind the apartment in the parking lot with your family This will be good. He’ll be so tired and he was. 

You end up having to carry him up to the apartment. The faster you can get him in bed the better so you don’t bother with stairs, you just fly him up inside. You climb in through the window of his room and tuck him in, making sure to turn the heating blanket on for him. You sit there for a while and watch him sleep before standing up, kissing his forehead, and taking his shades off. You set them down on the nightstand and turn his nightlight on before heading to your own room. 

For once even you fall asleep quickly, it’s nice and warm in your room for some reason. That reason being that you forgot you offered your bed up to Karkat earlier and woke up to him curled up against you. You woke both him and Derr up with your screaming in the morning. 

What a way to start the morning.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jr's POV

TW: Smoking as a coping mechanism

JUNE: next one is...dirk’s!

At the sound of your name being called you beam with joy as you set Cal down beside your father as well as the tablet you’ve been drawing on. It was your birthday gift from your dad. You stand up and hold your arms out as June holds a small rectangular box. 

This is all so exciting. You are really happy you managed to convince your dad to let you participate in this years Secret Santa. Anytime in class when you had some downtime you would sit at the computer and work on your power-point presentation. It needed to be perfect and obviously it was because he said yes. You don’t think he would have said yes if it wasn’t. You’re ten years old, you think it’s a bit crazy that it took all that just to give someone a gift.

You ended up getting Jake and you had to ask around and do research on what you could get him. Turns out that on your father’s Earth there was a person that would make these lifelike baby dolls of “werepups” but also the young of the Na’vi. You knew you had to give that a try. After many many failed attempts, and with the help of June and the alchemitzer, you managed to create the doll. You weren’t sure that he would appreciate it so you wanted to be safe and make him a scarf as well as buy him a blanket with the money you saved up from helping your aunts out with chores when they babysat you.

You grin at the wrapping paper encasing the box. You’ve been binge watching Sonic Underground and find Manic to be your favorite. Man that opening song slaps so hard. 

Sitting down with the box in your hands, you are careful to peel the paper off even if you know it will end up in the trash. Your eyes go wide at the sight of the contents. 

Your very own anime shades!

You take your round shades off and pass them to your father, putting the new ones on without any hesitation. You feel so cool!!

DAVE: do you like em?

DERR: I do!

DERR: They’re just like in our animes dad! Thank you so much!

He ruffles your hair and you fold the wrapping paper, hoping you can get away with recycling it. Reuse, Reduce, and Recycle! You learned about recycling in school right before the winter break.

JAKE: Are those..

DAVE: yeah

JAKE: You had them this entire time, dave?

DAVE: yep

You look up and watch Jake frown at your father. He picks up his belongings, including the gifts you got him and starts out of the room. You wonder what’s that about.

DAVE: junebug the ones that were under it are for him too

DAVE: same paper

You stand up to help her with the box, but she beats you to it setting the hefty box down in front of you. She dusts her hands off on her sweater and rests them on her hips, pouting over at your dad.

JUNE: jeez that weighs a ton!

JUNE: what did you put in that?

DAVE: and ruin the surprise?

DAVE: not happening

He grins at her, making you smile in the process. It’s so nice to see him happy and showing it. You’re happy Christmas is being celebrated here at home. You feel him pat your back and you take that as the cue to take apart the wrapping paper of this box. When the paper is set to the side and you take the lid of the box off you stare down at it and tilt your head to the side. Confused as to what it is. You turn around and stare up at your dad. 

DAVE: its a monitor

DAVE: its custom and its yours

DAVE: figured you were tired of having to ask me to use the computer so..now you have one of your own

You nod your head and open the next gift. Inside is the desktop computer to go with the monitor. You receive a kiss to your head and chuckle as he gets up This is-

DERR: This is so cool..

ROSE: Do you have any plans to be the first thing you try with it already?

DERR: Other than setting it up?

DERR: Maybe Minecraft?

ROXY: (creeper)

KANAYA: Minecraft

You look over at your aunts as Kanaya takes a seat beside Roxy. You nod your head and continue to fold the wrapping paper. There’s so much of it, you can so use this for your projects. No need to waste.

KANAYA: What Is Minecraft

ROSE: Oh, it’s a video game.

ROSE: I never got to play it, it was supposed to come out right after June’s birthday.

ROSE: But it’s something I looked forward to trying. It’s a lot of world building, dear.

DERR: Yeah! Building your own world, fighting monsters, and leveling up too make your world the way you want.

ROSE: ...

ROSE: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree I suppose.

You aren’t sure of what she means by that and when you go to ask you are distracted by your father handing you a mug of hot cocoa just the way you like it. The way that gets you the question of, Would you like some hot cocoa with your marshmallows? They’re so good.

With cocoa in your hands to keep you warm, you move and sit on his lap and watch as June is the last one to open gifts. As she sits on the floor to open them up, you sip from your mug and tug on your dad’s sleeve. He rests his chin on your head and hums looking down at you.

DERR: Can we play in the snow before it gets too dark?

DAVE: hell yeah we can

DERR: Dope.

Taking a few marshmallows into your mouth, you chew them on your way to your room. You need to grab your jacket and your snow boots. On your way there you notice that the guest room door is open. You peek in curiously and it’s empty. That’s weird. Your dad never lets this door be open. Especially if people are over. So you shut the door and stand by the futon, ready to go. You bounce excitedly as everyone begins to get up and ready.

You walk over to your aunt and hold your hand out towards her.

KANAYA: I Suppose We Are Stuck Taking The Stairs

DERR: Flying is overrated anyways.

You get a chuckle out of the tall troll as she laces her fingers in with yours. Despite your words, you feel a little jealous of the others. Everyone can fly but you and your aunt. You like when your dad carries you on his back, you miss being small enough for him to. You won’t tell Kanaya that though, you’re currently in no flying solidarity with her.

Since you and Kanaya are the only ones who have to walk down the stairs instead of flying it comes as no surprise that you are both nailed in the face by June as soon as your feet touch the snow. You sputter as you wipe the cold but melting snow off your face and are met with the sight of Rose and your dad trying to hide the fact that they’re laughing. You manage to get in a solid second of pouting, but in that time Kanaya reaches down and scoops up a handful of snow.

KANAYA: I See You Find That Amusing Rose Dearest

Rose makes an over exaggerated expression of shock and attempts to hide behind June. You watch with gleeful anticipation as your very tall Aunt Kanaya shoves her handful of snow down the back of Rose’s coat. The blonde woman wiggles and struggles, and in doing so some of the snow ends up on June’s glasses, which is apparently as good as a declaration of war because then she bends down and comes back up with a snowball before she tosses it at Kanaya. It land’s dead-center of Kanaya’s chest and the troll makes an indignant noise as the war breaks out.

ROXY: guess i gotta come 2 the rescue

And then Roxy is diving into the fight, gangly limbs and all. You see them pick up two snowballs and launch them simultaneously. They hit June and Rose both in the face, and you’re left to pick a side. That decision is made immensely easier once you realize your dad has his back turned to you and is watching the chaos play out. June trained you well in the art of pranking, and you’ve always moved quietly. The snow is nothing but an advantage for you as you sneak up behind Dave and shove a handful of snow down the back of his pants.

He jumps into the air with his hands on his butt and does a dorky flip you know is just to impress you. When he would carry you and fly you always liked doing flips and other tricks.

DERR: No fair flying! Unfair advantage over me and Aunt Kanaya.

DAVE: okay okay

And Dave floats gently back to the ground. Then in a motion faster than you can blink he ducks down, grabs a handful of snow and lobbs it at your chest. It scatters weakly across your winter coat because Dave didn’t bother to compact it into a ball. You raise one eyebrow at him in the way that you know he can’t do and shake your head sadly. You kneel down into the snow and take your time to compact the biggest snowball you can manage to throw, then come back up to your feet with it in your hands and a wide grin on your face.

DERR: This is a snowball.

DERR: And this is how you have a snowball fight!

You use all your strength to throw it at Dave and you’re only like 50% certain he fell backwards to amuse you. While he wastes time pretending to be a super incompetent turtle you start building your arsenal.

DERR: Roxy! Aunt Kan! You guys are on my team!

Roxy turns to look at you and gives you a wide grin and a thumbs up, then stands from where they were kneeling over June and you realize they had June pushed face-first into the snow and had been shoveling handfuls of snow into the back of her jacket. June huffs and pushes herself up as Roxy trots over to meet you.

Kanaya ducks a snowball that had been chucked by Rose, who is taking cover behind a tree at the far end of the yard, and jogs her way over to your side. You don’t miss the way Rose throws the snowballs not where Kanaya was but where she’s about to be, and unfortunately neither does Kanaya. She’s hit at least four times before she makes it out of Rose’s range.

When the three of you are standing in a close circle, you start to whisper your plan,

DERR: Okay, so.

DERR: One of us should focus on building a fort or a barricade while the other two try to hit the other team as much as possible.

KANAYA: I Can Handle Building A Wall Out Of Snow

KANAYA: Besides

KANAYA: The Two Of You Have Much Better Projectile Aim Than I Do

You nod. Roxy claps their hands and in a weird voice says:

ROXY: break

The snowball fight goes on like that for a while. With Aunt Kanaya and Roxy on your team, you absolutely have the upper hand. Dave can’t land a single hit on you, and June’s glasses are somehow both fogged over and frozen at the same time so she really can’t see. Only Rose proves to be a challenge. She must have really good reflexes because it seems like she’s always just out of reach of your snowballs. It’s not until Roxy cheats (though you won’t count it because their whole team can fly) and floats up behind Rose, dumping a whole jacket full of snow on her head that you really win.

You’re all panting and smiling and a little out of breath when Roxy looks at their watch and curses.

ROXY: oh shoot

ROXY: sorry dirky i gotta bounce

ROXY: your aunt janie was expecting me like an hour ago

They pat your head and press a kiss to your snow-soaked hair before leaving. You wave until they leave your line of sight, and when you turn back around Dave is on his back in the snow spread out like a starfish. You’d assume he was trying to make a snow angel but he doesn’t look like he wants to move. You walk up to him and nudge him with your foot.

DERR: Dad, what are you doing?

You’re not sure if you’re expecting an answer or not, but regardless you don't get one because June takes the opportunity your unguarded back provides and tackles you into the snow. On top of your father. So, you guess you do get a response? It’s just:

DAVE: oomph

DAVE: my kidney

You take advantage of the tackle for some prime snuggles though, so you don’t really mind that she knocked the wind out of you. Especially not when you get to dig your frozen nose into her neck and she yelps.

JUNE: cold cold cold!

DAVE: yeah june

DAVE: winter

DAVE: snow

DAVE: generally means its cold

DAVE: didnt you grow up in like

DAVE: the pacific northwest

With your nose, and by extension your face, buried in June’s neck you hear and feel but don’t see the way she moves over and flicks Dave’s nose.

JUNE: mkay kiddo.

JUNE: you wanna keep playing or are you too cold?

DERR: I’m warm.

JUNE: your nose says otherwise.

DERR: I’m warm enough to keep playing. What about you?

JUNE: the weather doesn’t bother me.

JUNE: what do you wanna do next?

You take a minute to think. With Roxy gone there’s no way to play any more games fairly because the teams would be uneven, so you don’t really want to do that. But it’s too nice outside to call this little adventure over, so…

DERR: Can we build snowmen?

June smiles and her blue eyes light up along with the rest of her face. She nods and pulls you and Dave to your feet. She kneels down and starts bunching the snow together to form a ball, then hold it up for you too look at.

JUNE: what do you think, dirk? Will this be a good start for a snowman?

You examine the ball of snow critically, then notice the gleam of mischief on June’s face. So you shake your head. The snowball is oblong and lumpy, it won’t do at all. June shrugs and tosses it over her shoulder without looking. You follow its trajectory with your eyes and laugh when it lands on Dave’s head. How did she manage to do that without looking?

Dave shakes the snow out of his hair with a playful sigh, and then kneels down to start helping June with the snowman.

Rose and Kanaya, who until now had been chatting to themselves just a few feet away, come over. Kanaya unwinds her scarf from around her neck and leans down to wrap it around your shoulders.

KANAYA: For Your Man Made Of Snow

Rose takes her wife’s hand, and leans down to kiss your forehead. You hate that. There’s absolutely a sticky black mark there now.

DERR: Are you guys leaving?

ROSE: Yes, sweets. We have to get up early tomorrow and run some errands, but we can come back next week to look at your snowmen if you’d like?

You nod and give Rose and Kanaya both big rock-the-body hugs and wave as they walk away. It’s then you notice Jake standing at the bottom of the fire escape smoking a cigarette with the gifts you gave him in his hold. You make the decision to finish the snowman quickly, and then you’re going to go chastise him for smoking. Cigarettes are so bad for you, and you know he knows that.

Rubbing your hands together you make your way over to him, clearing your throat as you stand right in front of the brunette. You cross your arms over your chest and give him a stare of disapproval, making him sigh and look away.

DERR: I thought you left already..

DERR: You know those can kill you, right?

JAKE: Oh ive died in worse ways before. Cancer doesnt seem too bad really.

Sighing heavily he takes another drag and exhales the air out away from you. He shifts and lowers himself to sit down on the snow covered steps, setting his gifts down behind him, and extinguishes the cancer stick with a small frown. He looks up at you and shifts to the side. You step forward and kick some of the snow off the stairs before sitting at his side, flicking the cigarette away quickly.

JAKE: I doubt it would be the cause of my demise anyway. 

You hate that. You know your family are seen as gods, they can fly and do all sorts of neat things. You know they can't die, unless it's up to those weird rules, so he's just- 

DERR: Why are you punishing yourself then? You didn't do anything wrong..

You look up at him and he's staring at you with wide eyes. You wonder if he's actually looking at you or your new shades instead. Taking a deep breath you take them off and look down at them with a frown. You know why.

DERR: You miss him don't you? 

DERR: Dad does too, I think everyone does.

You look up at him once again and hold the shades out to him. Frowning, Jake takes them and turns them around, tilting them in different directions. A small smile forms on his lips and it makes you smile too. You wish Jake would smile more, he has a nice smile. He presses on the shades side and you hear a click, like he pressed a button of some sort. He looks through the shades and his smile falls. 

JAKE: Well it was worth a shot..

DERR: Huh?

JAKE: Oh nothing kiddo. Just-

JAKE: These belonged to him..your uncle.

Oh. That's what he meant earlier. These belonged to Dirk.

He gently places them back on your face and ruffles your hair gently. 

JAKE: Theyre very special shades, you cannot break them okay? Theyre precious to him..and myself. 

You nod your head and look at the shades, feeling for the button Jake pressed. Huh. There is a button. You wonder what it does..or did. You wonder if you'll ever find out. You fold your hands in your lap and look over your shoulder, watching your dad and June talk to each other. Drawing something in the snow as you and your uncle speak. You watch his face and you can see how much he misses Dirk. Your dad makes the same exact face when you bring him up or when someone calls you by your given name. They loved- No. You're certain they still do. 

They love your uncle.

DERR: You know...

DERR: You know he loves you very much right? 

JAKE: ...

You don’t know why you said that but what you know is that it felt right. Loves. Not past tense. Somewhere out there, your uncle, Dirk Strider loves Jake English.

DERR: I’m sor-

You are cut off by Jake wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug, his shoulders shaking as he hides his face into your hair and sobs. You’d feel guilty if not for the two words he says next.

JAKE: Thank you…

You wrap your arms around him and squeeze his back tightly, not wanting to let go. Some deep within you is telling you to not let go of Jake. So you don't, not until he does. He pulls back and wipes his tears away and smiles sadly at you. You wish your family would stop giving you that face but right now. You don't mind it. 

JAKE: I love him very much too.

He leans in and presses a kiss to your forehead and stands up, collecting his things. 

JUNE: ready to go big guy?

You stand up and watch as June walks up to the fire escape and stand in front of you both, her hand out to Jake as she fixes her beanie. Jake steps down from the step and shakes some of the snow off of her before taking her hand gently.

DERR: You're leaving?

JAKE: It appears that i am.

You can't help but frown even when Jake turns to smile at you. 

JUNE: don't make that face, you'll see us soon. you better have a decent movie picked this time, it's your turn.

DERR: I'll have the best one ready.

Jake reaches out and gently ruffles your hair, June follows suit with a smile of her own.

JAKE: Merry christmas jr.

DERR: Merry Christmas, Jake..

DERR: Merry Christmas, June.

JUNE: merry christmas, butt face.

You stick your tongue out at her and she smirks pulling on her face as she sticks her own tongue out at you in retaliation. The two walk off and you wave a quiet hand at them. June is right, you'll be seeing them soon anyway. For when June is babysitting you and for New Years. You'll get to hangout with them both before you know it. Taking your shades off you curiously look at the button again and sigh, wondering what it is. Why would your uncle put a button on his shades? You-

DAVE: ready for bed?

You flinch at the sound of your father's voice as he knocks on the metal of the rail of the fire escape steps. You jump down and put your shades back on, shaking your head. You still have plenty of energy in you. That being said, you yawn into your palm and smile. 

DERR: Not yet.

You get another hair ruffle, good thing it's almost time to sleep because your hair is a complete mess now, and your father takes his beanie off to put on your head covering the mess up. You walk with him back over to your snowman and work at making a few more. All of varying sizes. You get three more yawns before your dad is at your side and shaking his head. 

DERR: Okay okay..

You hold your arms up and he scoops you up. You wrap your arms around him and shut your eyes, resting your head on his shoulder as he carries you inside. It doesn't take you long to be set in bed and fall asleep. You're tuckered out and the warmth of your electric blanket is all you need to relax and fall asleep. Sleep takes over easily and you are left to dream. If you can really count them as dreams any more...

====

The sun should be hot, but there is no heat. There is no temperature. The water doesn’t make a sound unless you focus on the way the waves crash into the scaffolding holding the apartment above sea level. Out here, a view familiar and yet still strange, you can see the way the world curves. The ocean is calm until it nears the only structure for hundreds of thousands of miles, and then the waves crash with a barely there white froth of salt water. The water makes no noise unless you focus on it.

Focus on it.

Focus on it.

The waves crash soothingly, then rush away again to silence. The sea swirls and ebs, it flows and crashes in a way that fades from perception as soon as you look away from it.

Look to your hand, Dirk.

Do you see the concrete? What does it feel like?

Nothing.

It should be hot and rough under your palms. You should feel it digging into your legs, into the backs of your knees as they sway over the edge of the apartment. 

Sway, back and forth. A rhythm, a pattern.

Sway back.

Kick forth.

Sway back.

Kick forth.

Like a child on a swing, like…

You stand from the concrete. It still feels like nothing but the ocean makes noise so maybe that means something. You stand from the concrete, step back from the edge.

Step back from the edge.

Ten paces back, like a duelist- 

The edges of the apartment blur and for a minute the sea disappears and you swear you can see concrete buildings coming up from the ground below you.

You run.

You run forward, pass those ten paces and the illusion of an illusion cracks like pavement beneath a penny. Your hands come together in front of your eyes and your body arches in a way you’ve never done but it’s so instinctual you didn’t even have to think about it first.

The water rushes up to meet you, reaches up to grab you into its cold embrace.

Except there is no temperature when you hit it.

Your eyes are closed and you can’t hear the waves when you’re beneath them. Kick up.

Kick up a fuss, kick up an issue, kick up in a fight-

Kick forward.

The water breaks above your head and you breathe in with a gasp. The water runs down your face and across your lips in rivulets. You blink the water from your eyes, reach up and knock the shades on your face askew as you rub salt water away. You can feel the smile on your face as kick back and let the waves rock you, gently bringing you closer to the apartment you just dove off of.

You blink as the sun disappears behind the apartment itself, you drift into the shadow of the building, the shadow of something larger than yourself-

The shadow.

The shadow.

You blink and your shades blink back.

A little red dot you hadn’t noticed before, one you were certain hadn’t been blinking just a moment ago. Wonder what that means?

A window pops up across the lens of the shades.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

TT: I hope you realize my circuits aren’t waterproof.

TT: It would be a damn shame if you had to, I don’t know, talk to your friends.

DIRK: What a shame, it's not like I don't have other ways of contacting them. 

You roll your eyes and move to lay on your back, letting your eyes shut as you get comfortable. You're comfortable in the water. You love the water.

I do. June takes me to-

TT: You can't keep doing this, Dirk.

Again, you roll your eyes. You shut your eyes so you wouldn't have to read his messages but of course he used the small speakers to make sure you'd hear his voice- 

Your voice

But of course he used the small speakers to make sure you'd hear your voice and not ignore his words. Bastard. You really can't stand AR sometimes.

DIRK: And why is that?

TT: You're going to get hurt and no one will be able to save you.

TT: You really need to wake up and smell the metaphorical roses, Dirk.

TT: Wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up, Dirk. 

==> Wake up.

====

With a gasp you sit up in bed. You don't bother checking under the blankets to look at the sheets because well- that hasn't happened in a long time and you feel pretty dry. Taking a deep breath you think about the dream. 

Standing up, you rub at your eyes and then at your arms. You're cold, just like the water. Who were you talking to in the dream? 

DERR: Who is A.R?

Your shades ping and it catches you off guard. 

You blink and your shades blink back.

A little red dot you hadn’t noticed before, one you were certain hadn’t been blinking just a moment ago. Wonder what that means?

A window pops up across the lens of the shades.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 87% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.

TT: I've been waiting for you, Dirk.


End file.
